Robby Dawkins

A few days ago we caught wind that Robby Dawkins was in the UK.   We decided to drive for over an hour in the driving rain to get to the Vinyard Church he was preaching at.  It was such a blessing to meet him and discuss the making of the Father of Lights, Finger of God and Furious Love films.  As I had met up with Darren Wilson only a few months ago it was great to hear Robby's take on the films.  He also let me get a cheesy photo as is becoming a tradition for me :)

We managed to hear him preach twice in 2 days and were really inspired by his testimonies of healings and lives being turned around.  It raises faith to hear what God is doing all over the world.  In essence we heard that faith is spelt R I S K and it doesn't matter who you are, or how old you are, or how long you have been a Christian, you already have everything you need to heal in Jesus' name:  you just have to step out. 

A really nice guy with an amazing ministry. 

I'm a mess

"I'm a mess I'm a mess I'm a mess right now,
Don't fix me up, just lay me down
You fill me up to pour me out
And I am undone"

It doesn't matter where we are with God...  It doesn't matter if we are a mess, or in a mess.  When we come to God and just lay before Him he fills us up...  but not to just to a where we can function again, but to overflowing.  God brings order in chaos, He breathes life into dry bones, He rescues the lost, He heals the sick.....

If you are in a mess, if you are a mess just ask God to lay you down and fill you up.  When we are undone by God we will never be the same.

God's Hand or His face

I have been really enjoying soaking in the presence of God these past few weeks.  It is amazing how we can rush from place to place doing 'good works' for the Lord.  We can become tired, burnt out and even feel guilty that we not are doing all we can for God and his Kingdom.  I know that this is certainly the case for me.  Recently I have felt so tired and burnt out, so guilty for having to lay things down while John and I recover from all our trauma the last few months.  Have I been made to feel guilty?  Partly.  Have I placed the guilt on myself?  Yes.   Do I think that God only loves me when I am 'doing'?

I have taken time the past few weeks to pray, worship and commune with my God.  It is funny how we often spent most of our prayer time asking God for things.  You know when life hits the fan and you have a choice.... do you bury yourself in self pity or dig deep.  Do you spend the whole time asking God to rescue you from your circumstances or do you ask God what He has for you in the desert?  

I think I was praying for healing when I first went into hospital in September,  then when I went in again in November I was asking God why He had forsaken me, then when in December John chopped his hand in two with a circular saw I began to realise that God was getting my attention and started to ask what He had for us in this time.  What I have learnt has blown me away.  Am I seeking God's hand or His face?

His hand is all the stuff he does for us.  I know He does a lot, but when things are not going the way we think they should do we think he has forsaken us?  I have 4 children.  I love love love them.  They are precious to me.  I love them because they are mine, I made them!  I love it when they do stuff for me, no one can complain when the washing up is all done and someone has paired the socks, but I love them... not because of what they do - but because they are mine and I love them.  God loves us like this... it is not what we 'do' that makes him love us...  He just plain loves us because He made us and we are His.  The revelation I have had is that this is how He wants us to love Him too.....  Not what he does for us... but for who He is.  When life is hard, when life is frankly chaos...  If we seek God for who He is and not just for what He does  - we see God's face and not His hand.  The face of God is a wonderful, precious awesome thing that fills every corner of our soul.  

Job said in chapter 42 v 5

^"My ears had heard of you
    but now my eyes have seen you."
                                             
Job bless His soul had the most terrible series of catastrophes that make my past few months look like a walk in the park.....  but even though his friends told him to deny God and die (just get it over with) Job chose to seek God.  He turned from seeking God's hand and he saw the face of God.  

I feel like I have seen the face of God.  

Have you ever felt hunger?   Sometimes I am hungry....  I think it is a physical hunger so I eat but that doesn't satisfy.  Then I might turn on the TV to numb the feeling, but really it is still there so I get out my knitting.  Although now watching, eating and knitting I am using all parts of my body I am still hungry - a deep hunger.  Well let me tell you the face of God more than quenches that hunger.  We were made to commune with God.  


Adam and eve took evening walks in the garden in the cool of the evening.  Just think how awesome that must have been - to spend time just walking together with God.  I don't think Adam was asking God for anything, I think he probably felt pretty amazing in God's presence.  Then the fall - suddenly we are toiling, dying, bleeding and having to seek God's hand.  But we can through the blood of Jesus still have that beautiful communion with God.  Even Moses could not look at the face of God.... but through Jesus we can see the face of God and not die.

I am so satisfied in His presence I just can not get enough of it.  I know we should not ' be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God (Philippians 4 v 6)', and I do this a lot...  but also I have really loved this intimacy with the Father by seeking His presence more than His works.

^"My ears had heard of you
    but now my eyes have seen you."

A song in my heart

^{Psalm 34 17 - 20}

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all

 he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

It has been a long winter.  Not just in weather, but in pain and trial. I have not sung in so long.  You know when I am sick  because I stop singing everywhere I go.  This week every day there has been an increase in my heart and suddenly I am singing again. 

I have spent weeks listening to worship music.... soaking and listening to the Father Heart of God.  The past few weeks have been really difficult for me.  I have known the Father's love in the midst of the hardest trial.  I have felt His presence.... and now my heart is full of love and joy again.  I can sing my heart out in the car, I can hum as I cook the dinner.....  I feel like my winter is coming to an end and I can see the sun shining in the distance. 

Psalm 40

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

⁴ Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.
⁵ Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
    but my ears you have opened—
    burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll.
⁸ I desire to do your will, my God;
    your law is within my heart.”

It has been 11 days since my husband's accident with a chop saw which nearly cut off much of his hand and thumb.  Not for the faint hearted but here is a quick peak we took when they removed his cast to redress the wound.  You can see how much he nearly lost.  We are very thankful to all the staff who helped John to save his hand.

Everyday he is a little more awake than the day before, but his hand is now so sore and swollen he is struggling to wear the splint to immobilise his hand.  I have done all I can to make it more comfortable.  Today we woke to find his bandage soaked with gunk, so we will need to see the Dr in the morning to make sure it is ok.  I redressed it for him, but I think it needs a professional opinion.  We knew the road to recovery would be hard, but  I guess I never thought it would be this hard.  He is very frustrated at how little he can do and I am so tried from looking after all the children.  I am struggling to see the wood for the trees at the moment.  I am still feeling rough from my stint in hospital last month with Omental Infaract, and I am now having to not only pick up my mummy jobs but all the daddy jobs too.  We are not sleeping so last night we put on a Jesus Culture CD and fell asleep listening to it.  I actually slept until 5am which was a miracle these days.  In fact we have been trying to soak in worship music whenever we can. 

God is on his throne and we know he uses all situations for good, but we are struggling.    This was on facebook today and it did sum up a bit of how I am feeling:

Chain saw massacre

Ok so my blog recently seems to be more about my health than my life as a worshipper, but unfortunately my family has been hit hard by another hospital stay.  This time it is not me - but my husband.  I entitled this post a chain saw massacre, but in reality it was a chop saw serious incident.  My poor husband on Sunday managed to accidentally cut his hand into 2 pieces with a chop saw.  It has to be the single most traumatic experience in my life.  I heard my husband scream from the garden and I was 1st on the scene.  And blood was everywhere.  I grabbed the nearest tea towel and applied as much pressure as I could to his wrist and hand.  All 4 of my children were screaming so I gave them all tasks to do - the eldest phoned the ambulance, the 2nd child ran to find a neighbour, the next child ran and got my shoes and handbag (so I could go with John) and the youngest kept me in a supply of clean tea towels.  Our family in shock worked like a well oiled machine.

I stood holding John's arm up for an eternity waiting for the ambulance to arrive.  It was the longest time ever and John was fazing in and out and I was trying to keep him talking too.

I had been in bed when the accident happened as I was not only recovering from my Omental Infarction, but also had flu and a raging temperature.  By the time we got the the hospital I felt so ill and it was so hard to see John writhing in absolute agony while they saw to him.

They couldn't operate straight away as someone else came in with a life threatening head injury so John had to wait.... and wait (all the while his arm was leaking blood).  By the time the theatre was free the surgeon was so tired that he decided to clean John's hand under a local anaesthetic and quartorize the leaking veins - strapping his hand together so that John would wait until the morning when the specialised hand team were in.  The surgeon then did all the minor plastics surgeries through the night to make space for John in the theatre the next morning. 

Waiting for John to come back from surgery was agonising.  He was gone 6 hours and each hour felt like a day.  There was a chance he would lose the thumb part of his left hand, but when he came back onto the ward I saw his pink thumb popping out of the top of his plaster cast.

They have managed to save his thumb, but they think it might not function properly again.  He has also severed all the nerves over the top of his hand so he will not have any feeling there.

After 4 days in hospital I picked him up and brought him home with a shed load of medicines.  He is sleeping about 23 hours a day at the moment but he has only been home 2 days.

Today we have to go back to the hospital for a dressing change.  We will finally get to see how they have fixed his hand.  I am sure it will look like Frankenstein for a while - but I am so pleased that they have managed to put him back together.  They had to piece together bones, tendons and muscle so it is a miracle he still has all this digits.

Now we have to walk the path to recovery...

Poorly Poorly

I have been so poorly recently I have not been able to blog.  I have been feeing rough for months and in September I visited my Dr with a horrific headache and loss of strenth on one side.  It looked like I was having a stroke and the Dr called me an ambulance.  After many tests and an MRI they ruled out all sinister conditions and diagnosed me with a terrible Migraine.   After several days in hospital, then 4 more weeks at home with severe pain it eventually settled and I had my life back (although at a slower pace). 

I still felt drained and pushed on but began to have sharp pains in my tummy.  I put the pain down to taking anti inflammatory tablets for my head ache.  I have a history of stomach ulcers so I often get an upset tummy when I take them.  These pains persisted for a month and I was glugging the Gaviscon from the bottle.  However one day when I was sorting out some papers, I got a stitch in my tummy.  I thought it was odd as I had not been running and tried to ignore it through the afternoon.  By the next morning it was a painful stitch and I made an emergency appointment at the Drs.  She was very worried as the pain was over my liver and wanted to send me to hosital.  I did not want to go back into hospital again so she agreed to do blood tests as long as I came back 1st thing:  I never made it back.  By that evening I was in agony, I sat still all night and took loads of pain killers but when I tried to stand I collapsed with pain and my lovely husband called the ambulance for me. 

The next few days were a blur while they dosed me up and tried to find out what was wrong.  They ruled out pancritis (which I have had before) and lots of other nasties.  After 3 days of me screaming and no clue as to what was wrong with me they sent me for a CT Scan.  The diagnosis: Omental Infarct.  I had never heard of it, you have probably never heard of it - and to my surprise most of the Drs had never heard of it either.  In fact I am the first person in the hospital in Oxford to have ever had it.  Apparently it is extremely rare.  Whenever I they visited they seemed to ask me more questions than I asked to them.   Basically it means that part of the apron or bag of tissue that holds my intestines together had lost it's blood supply and died. Yep dead tissue inside me.  A boy did it hurt.  I had morphine via a pump and everything else they could throw at me and it was still excruciating.  The accute symptoms lasted 10 days, the last 5 of which I would keep nothing down including water.  I was poorly.

Now I have been home 3 weeks and I still have pain and feel exhausted.  Whilst progress has been slow there has been some progress.  They did a biopsy this week to see whether I have the bug H Pylori which caused stomach ulcers and reflux.  So I am awaiting those now.

Just as I had begun to feel a bit better and even managed to get out of the house, I have now been hit by a horrible flue bug.  I am sat in my bed with PJ's, dressing gown, 3 duvets and a hat and I am still freezing.  My whole body aches, My head is pounding and my throat feels like I have razor blades shoved down it.  I am struggling to swallow my own saliva.  My tummy is still sore too and I feel like death. 

I am frustrated, I am fed up, I am poorly and feel like I need a break now.  I have been questioning why some people are as fit as a fiddle, and others, like me, are in and out of hospital all the time?  It seems the distribution of illness is not fairly shared out.

I have felt low and sorry for myslef, but some days I am grateful that being ill has forced me to stop and appreciate the important things in life.  I am often too busy to stop and over the past few months I have been forced to stop and spend time with my children.  Whilst we have not been out together, I know that they have appreciated my being at home to talk to.

Whilst I can see some benefits I am totally ready to move onto to health now.  I am praying for a speedy recovery - especially as Christmas is only 10 days away.