It has been 11 days since my husband's accident with a chop saw which nearly cut off much of his hand and thumb.  Not for the faint hearted but here is a quick peak we took when they removed his cast to redress the wound.  You can see how much he nearly lost.  We are very thankful to all the staff who helped John to save his hand.

Everyday he is a little more awake than the day before, but his hand is now so sore and swollen he is struggling to wear the splint to immobilise his hand.  I have done all I can to make it more comfortable.  Today we woke to find his bandage soaked with gunk, so we will need to see the Dr in the morning to make sure it is ok.  I redressed it for him, but I think it needs a professional opinion.  We knew the road to recovery would be hard, but  I guess I never thought it would be this hard.  He is very frustrated at how little he can do and I am so tried from looking after all the children.  I am struggling to see the wood for the trees at the moment.  I am still feeling rough from my stint in hospital last month with Omental Infaract, and I am now having to not only pick up my mummy jobs but all the daddy jobs too.  We are not sleeping so last night we put on a Jesus Culture CD and fell asleep listening to it.  I actually slept until 5am which was a miracle these days.  In fact we have been trying to soak in worship music whenever we can. 

God is on his throne and we know he uses all situations for good, but we are struggling.    This was on facebook today and it did sum up a bit of how I am feeling:

Chain saw massacre

Ok so my blog recently seems to be more about my health than my life as a worshipper, but unfortunately my family has been hit hard by another hospital stay.  This time it is not me - but my husband.  I entitled this post a chain saw massacre, but in reality it was a chop saw serious incident.  My poor husband on Sunday managed to accidentally cut his hand into 2 pieces with a chop saw.  It has to be the single most traumatic experience in my life.  I heard my husband scream from the garden and I was 1st on the scene.  And blood was everywhere.  I grabbed the nearest tea towel and applied as much pressure as I could to his wrist and hand.  All 4 of my children were screaming so I gave them all tasks to do - the eldest phoned the ambulance, the 2nd child ran to find a neighbour, the next child ran and got my shoes and handbag (so I could go with John) and the youngest kept me in a supply of clean tea towels.  Our family in shock worked like a well oiled machine.

I stood holding John's arm up for an eternity waiting for the ambulance to arrive.  It was the longest time ever and John was fazing in and out and I was trying to keep him talking too.

I had been in bed when the accident happened as I was not only recovering from my Omental Infarction, but also had flu and a raging temperature.  By the time we got the the hospital I felt so ill and it was so hard to see John writhing in absolute agony while they saw to him.

They couldn't operate straight away as someone else came in with a life threatening head injury so John had to wait.... and wait (all the while his arm was leaking blood).  By the time the theatre was free the surgeon was so tired that he decided to clean John's hand under a local anaesthetic and quartorize the leaking veins - strapping his hand together so that John would wait until the morning when the specialised hand team were in.  The surgeon then did all the minor plastics surgeries through the night to make space for John in the theatre the next morning. 

Waiting for John to come back from surgery was agonising.  He was gone 6 hours and each hour felt like a day.  There was a chance he would lose the thumb part of his left hand, but when he came back onto the ward I saw his pink thumb popping out of the top of his plaster cast.

They have managed to save his thumb, but they think it might not function properly again.  He has also severed all the nerves over the top of his hand so he will not have any feeling there.

After 4 days in hospital I picked him up and brought him home with a shed load of medicines.  He is sleeping about 23 hours a day at the moment but he has only been home 2 days.

Today we have to go back to the hospital for a dressing change.  We will finally get to see how they have fixed his hand.  I am sure it will look like Frankenstein for a while - but I am so pleased that they have managed to put him back together.  They had to piece together bones, tendons and muscle so it is a miracle he still has all this digits.

Now we have to walk the path to recovery...

Poorly Poorly

I have been so poorly recently I have not been able to blog.  I have been feeing rough for months and in September I visited my Dr with a horrific headache and loss of strenth on one side.  It looked like I was having a stroke and the Dr called me an ambulance.  After many tests and an MRI they ruled out all sinister conditions and diagnosed me with a terrible Migraine.   After several days in hospital, then 4 more weeks at home with severe pain it eventually settled and I had my life back (although at a slower pace). 

I still felt drained and pushed on but began to have sharp pains in my tummy.  I put the pain down to taking anti inflammatory tablets for my head ache.  I have a history of stomach ulcers so I often get an upset tummy when I take them.  These pains persisted for a month and I was glugging the Gaviscon from the bottle.  However one day when I was sorting out some papers, I got a stitch in my tummy.  I thought it was odd as I had not been running and tried to ignore it through the afternoon.  By the next morning it was a painful stitch and I made an emergency appointment at the Drs.  She was very worried as the pain was over my liver and wanted to send me to hosital.  I did not want to go back into hospital again so she agreed to do blood tests as long as I came back 1st thing:  I never made it back.  By that evening I was in agony, I sat still all night and took loads of pain killers but when I tried to stand I collapsed with pain and my lovely husband called the ambulance for me. 

The next few days were a blur while they dosed me up and tried to find out what was wrong.  They ruled out pancritis (which I have had before) and lots of other nasties.  After 3 days of me screaming and no clue as to what was wrong with me they sent me for a CT Scan.  The diagnosis: Omental Infarct.  I had never heard of it, you have probably never heard of it - and to my surprise most of the Drs had never heard of it either.  In fact I am the first person in the hospital in Oxford to have ever had it.  Apparently it is extremely rare.  Whenever I they visited they seemed to ask me more questions than I asked to them.   Basically it means that part of the apron or bag of tissue that holds my intestines together had lost it's blood supply and died. Yep dead tissue inside me.  A boy did it hurt.  I had morphine via a pump and everything else they could throw at me and it was still excruciating.  The accute symptoms lasted 10 days, the last 5 of which I would keep nothing down including water.  I was poorly.

Now I have been home 3 weeks and I still have pain and feel exhausted.  Whilst progress has been slow there has been some progress.  They did a biopsy this week to see whether I have the bug H Pylori which caused stomach ulcers and reflux.  So I am awaiting those now.

Just as I had begun to feel a bit better and even managed to get out of the house, I have now been hit by a horrible flue bug.  I am sat in my bed with PJ's, dressing gown, 3 duvets and a hat and I am still freezing.  My whole body aches, My head is pounding and my throat feels like I have razor blades shoved down it.  I am struggling to swallow my own saliva.  My tummy is still sore too and I feel like death. 

I am frustrated, I am fed up, I am poorly and feel like I need a break now.  I have been questioning why some people are as fit as a fiddle, and others, like me, are in and out of hospital all the time?  It seems the distribution of illness is not fairly shared out.

I have felt low and sorry for myslef, but some days I am grateful that being ill has forced me to stop and appreciate the important things in life.  I am often too busy to stop and over the past few months I have been forced to stop and spend time with my children.  Whilst we have not been out together, I know that they have appreciated my being at home to talk to.

Whilst I can see some benefits I am totally ready to move onto to health now.  I am praying for a speedy recovery - especially as Christmas is only 10 days away.

Darren Wilson - what a pleasure

I had the awesome pleasure of spending time with Darren Wilson and his family this weekend.  Darren is the producer for the amazing films Finger of God, Furious love and Father Of Lights.  These films are life changing.  They have changed my perception of God and who He is.  It was through watching the 1st two films that my husband was inspired to take my 11 year old daughter to India on a mission trip.  It was these films that led me to travel to America to the Bethel School of Worship earlier this year.  It was these films that have led me to live my life totally for God, seeking Him more than anything else.  It is these films that have led me to to be dissatisfied with the middle class nicey nicey church and want to see radical, passionate people rise up and worship God and see the lost saved and the sick healed.

So you can see why I jumped at the chance when asked to lead worship after the Premier of his 3rd film Father of Lights in Oxford.  I have never known such easy worship leading.  By the time the film finished every single person in the room was already worshipping God for His awesomeness.

It was lovely to meet both Darren and His family.  They were wonderful, grounded, God loving people.  It was their 1st visit to England and were enjoying the lush green rolling hills and rain!  It was lovely to hear Darren's testimony of how God got a hold of him and told him to make the 1st film. 

As you can see I managed to get my usual cheesy photo of myself with Darren.  I seem to be building a collection of these (much to my friend Jamie's amusement).

Please check out the films if you have not yet seen them - they will change your life.

http://www.wpfilm.com/

It has been ages since I last wrote on here.  I have been struggling with being home from Bethel and feeling in No Man's Land since I got back.  But in actual fact a  lot has happened since my last blog.

I have had the pleasure of leading worship at 2 conferences in the past few months: one was for Open Doors (the charity started by Brother Andrew the Bible smuggler) and one for Besom (a fantastic charity linking money, food and furniture resources with the poor and needy). 

Both were events organised to bring together their key volunteers and they were both an amazing pleasure to lead at.  It is always interesting leading people from different types of churches in worship.  I spend time listening to God and asking what His focus will be for the day - but then try to choose a mix of hymns, older chorus' and a few newer songs but by well known worship leaders like Matt Redman and Tim Hughes.

Both days were so exciting because the people that came came with an expectation that God was going to speak to them: and He did.  When people with passion come together it is awesome.

I would do it every weekend just for the pleasure of knowing God is using me and I get such a buzz.  But I got more than a buzz from one of the conferences - I GOT PAID.  I know, paid.  After feeling like I should give it back and talking to the person who issued the cheque begging them to do so (they would not accept it back - they thought I had earned it) I then had the thought flash through my mind that I am now a professional!  Yes I have been paid once for leading worship - so  now it is my job.  The fact that I may never again be paid for the joy it doesn't matter- I was paid once and I am well chuffed!

The Irony

So perhaps it was dangerous to post about wilderness times... or perhaps it is God's direction before a time of trial.... but I am certainly in a wilderness time.

I think I came home from Bethel all fired up to see God move in power in my church... and then we hit the 'summer season'.  Basically our church stops normal services for about 7 weeks. Some weeks we have had no church, another week was a cream tea afternoon, and a few services with shorter worship sessions and no sermons. I have never been so hungry for more of God.  I am still reading my bible and worshiping at home but I long to see our church filled with the Glory of God.  It bothers me that we all shut down for God over the summer holiday.  I know that God never shuts down on us....  surely we can give him all in every season? 

This week as I faced another 'event' rather than church my spirit cried out for some Godly meat.  We decided to go to another church 30 mins away in Oxford.  St Aldates was our church 15 years ago before we had all our children.  They are a vibrant church of England Church - similar to HTB.  As the worship began I felt like God filled a huge dry well that had become vast over many weeks.  We had the pleasure of taking the children to the kid's work and then listening to an excellent talk about the Holy Spirit.  God's word.  Amazing.  I was really encouraged by a member of their worship team who came straight over to me when they had finished to encourage me about my singing.  He said it was beautiful and really encouraged Him to worship God.  As we left the church the vicar grabbed me by the arm and asked me to wait to talk to him.  He asked me if we were joining his church - when I said that we were only visiting is face dropped.  He said that he was so blessed by our passion for God and it really encouraged him to push more into Him.  He said that he would love people with our passion in his church. 

It was like God was encouraging me. I need to worship God.  I am passionate about Him.  I am passionate that the lost are saved and passionate that the church rise up and give God the glory he deserves. 

Our choice in the wilderness

At church on Sunday I had a word for the church about wilderness times.  We are not only led into the wilderness by the devil, we also can be lead there by the Holy Spirit, Just like Jesus was after he was baptised (he was lead into the desert for 40 days of temptation).  But, we do have a choice when we are in the wilderness.  We can listen to the lies of the evil one and wallow in our misery, or we can choose to praise God in the wilderness.  You see when David wrote the psalms, they were very up and down in terms of mood, but even when David was in the deepest darkness he chose to lift the name of the lord.  For example in psalm 22 v 1 - 3 he writes:

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help? 
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief. 
Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.

I love the word YET in the 3rd verse.  You know even in the darkest of times we can offer praise to God.  It may be a sacrifice of praise but He is always worthy of our praise.   The amazing thing is that as we praise Him in the darkness His light will always shine in our wilderness.  You see as it says in verse 3 when we praise Him he is enthroned.  He dwells with us in our praise.  He fills us with His spirit and of course when we dwell in His spirit the gifts of the Spirit are ours.  It is a given... we will get Love, Joy, Peace, Kindness, Goodness, Patience, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control.  What do we need in the wilderness?  More of the devil's lies or peace, patience and joy. 

I love how it is when we turn to God and praise Him in our most difficult times: we develop such an intimacy with God that goes deeper than ever before.  We come out stronger because the rock under our feet seems to grow and grow.

So are you in a wildness time?  Are you blaming the devil or did the Lord lead you there to see whether you would call on Him and praise Him?  In the desert we face a crossroads...  which way will you turn?

Awesome Reflections

Today I have been musing over something I had heard said at Bethel....  that God inhabits (or dwells in) the praises of His people.  I decided to look it up in the bible and find the reference.  Psalm 22 v3.

It reads deffiernlty in different versions:

• American Standardized Version - But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
• Amplified -  But You are holy, O You Who dwell in [the holy place where] the praises of Israel [are offered].
• New Living Translation - Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.

I am so moved by this verse.  There 7 Hebrew words used for Praise in the bible; the one used in this passage is 'tehillot' which means to sing songs and hymns in the spirit. So when we sing songs in the spirit God actually dwells, or inhabits in those praises and He is enthroned in them.  How awesome is that!  

Now I see why we hear angels as we worship God, why things like the Glory Cloud appear...  God is dwelling and being enthroned through our praises.

We want God to dwell in our churches...  in our houses,  in our hearts... so we need to be singing praises in the spirit to Him.  We have such a responsibly as worship leaders to allow time for (and encourage people) to sing in the spirit.  Wow.